Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend dead.
Wife says, " Well done...Keep that up and you'll lose ALL your friends."
**********
Small Boy writes to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa writes back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant
**********
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yea, once my sister said she missed one and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack & our driver ran away .
**********
Woman asks a man traveling with six children if they're all his kids .
Man says, "No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints ."
**********
Son asks his dad the difference between confidence and confidential .
His dad says, "you're my son, I'm confident of that. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential! "
**********
Mother says to her teenage daughter: "It's time we have a talk about sex ."
Daughter (excitedly): "Sure mom, tell me what you want to know."
***********
Hope you’ll have a good a laugh after reading this?
September 21, 2007
Reasons to have frequent sex with your partner
-Better bladder control.
-Relieves menstrual cramps.
-Helps people sleep better.
-Improves digestion.
-Healthier teeth.
-Helps folks remember more.
-Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites.
-Lowers the level of cortisol, a hormone that can trigger fatigue and cravings.
-Lowers feelings of insecurity.
-Increases level of commitment.
-Less-frequent colds and flu.
-Lower mortality rates.
-Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
-Improves posture.
-Boosts self esteem.
-Makes a person feel younger.
-Firm tummy and buttocks.
-Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
-Offers pain-relief.
-Gives people a positive attitude on life.
-Reduced risk of heart disease.
-Makes a person calmer.
-Improves fitness level.
-Makes a person less irritable.
-Reduced depression.
-Improved sense of smell.
-Has a therapeutic effect on immune system
Don’t ever beliefs the myth that abstinence can sharpen a person's competitive edge.Dont forget that "Good lovers are made, not born." If you truly want your sexual relationship to be all that it can be, take time to communicate with one another your thoughts and your feelings concerning your sexual relationship.
-Relieves menstrual cramps.
-Helps people sleep better.
-Improves digestion.
-Healthier teeth.
-Helps folks remember more.
-Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites.
-Lowers the level of cortisol, a hormone that can trigger fatigue and cravings.
-Lowers feelings of insecurity.
-Increases level of commitment.
-Less-frequent colds and flu.
-Lower mortality rates.
-Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
-Improves posture.
-Boosts self esteem.
-Makes a person feel younger.
-Firm tummy and buttocks.
-Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
-Offers pain-relief.
-Gives people a positive attitude on life.
-Reduced risk of heart disease.
-Makes a person calmer.
-Improves fitness level.
-Makes a person less irritable.
-Reduced depression.
-Improved sense of smell.
-Has a therapeutic effect on immune system
Don’t ever beliefs the myth that abstinence can sharpen a person's competitive edge.Dont forget that "Good lovers are made, not born." If you truly want your sexual relationship to be all that it can be, take time to communicate with one another your thoughts and your feelings concerning your sexual relationship.
SEX IN Marriage
Got this in my mail and decided to share it with you all.
So what do you think?
Sex according to Pastor Khathide (Ugandan):
A lot of people don't associate sex with God,
they associate it with Satan and darkness as if sex
weren't holy.The bible is explicit when it comes to
sex.Sex is holy within marriage and there is no
prescribed style.Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the
missionary position is the only sexual style. Not
discussing sex in a relationship leads to
divorce!!!!!.Pastor Khathide has counseled women who've
complained:my husband treats me as if I were his
brother.There was one who told him:I am tired of
getting sex fortnightly, like a salary.
Khathide told her she was lucky to be getting sex
fortnightly,since some wives only get it on big
days, like elections.
Many husbands leave their wives to seek sexual
pleasures in Hillbrow.Have you ever asked yourself what those wives have that you don't.Wives have become very frigid and even sleep with
their panties.If you're a married woman, you should
sleep naked and let your bum touch your husband.
Today you find men going out of their way to get a
glimpse of a vagina.They page through magazines and even go to
lingerie departments in stores hoping to see what's
hidden under panties because their wives hide it
from them.
Marriage is about being free with your body in front
of your partner. A woman should parade naked and do
some modeling to tempt her husband.There are many married women who don't know what their husband’s penises look like.They only feel it
when he enters her.They've never touched it,let
alone see it because the husband switches off the
lights before undressing.A penis is a wife's toy -
she is supposed to play with it.
He blames couples for not making time for sex and
complaining about being tired after a day's work.
You find many couples who've been sexually starved for years. God created sex for procreation and also for pleasure.
You can't marry and not have a good time in bed.
WHO SAID YOU CAN ONLY HAVE SEX AT NIGHT?
Why can't you drive home during lunch and have a
quickie with your wife?
We're all equal in sex,it's not just about a woman
satisfying a man.You have to satisfy each other.
Have you ever seen a woman who has been satisfied?
Have u noticed how she glows and becomes energetic?
May the Lord Bless you. This is the "Whole Truth,
Nothing but the Truth" so God Help Us.
So what do you think?
Sex according to Pastor Khathide (Ugandan):
A lot of people don't associate sex with God,
they associate it with Satan and darkness as if sex
weren't holy.The bible is explicit when it comes to
sex.Sex is holy within marriage and there is no
prescribed style.Nowhere in the Bible does it say that the
missionary position is the only sexual style. Not
discussing sex in a relationship leads to
divorce!!!!!.Pastor Khathide has counseled women who've
complained:my husband treats me as if I were his
brother.There was one who told him:I am tired of
getting sex fortnightly, like a salary.
Khathide told her she was lucky to be getting sex
fortnightly,since some wives only get it on big
days, like elections.
Many husbands leave their wives to seek sexual
pleasures in Hillbrow.Have you ever asked yourself what those wives have that you don't.Wives have become very frigid and even sleep with
their panties.If you're a married woman, you should
sleep naked and let your bum touch your husband.
Today you find men going out of their way to get a
glimpse of a vagina.They page through magazines and even go to
lingerie departments in stores hoping to see what's
hidden under panties because their wives hide it
from them.
Marriage is about being free with your body in front
of your partner. A woman should parade naked and do
some modeling to tempt her husband.There are many married women who don't know what their husband’s penises look like.They only feel it
when he enters her.They've never touched it,let
alone see it because the husband switches off the
lights before undressing.A penis is a wife's toy -
she is supposed to play with it.
He blames couples for not making time for sex and
complaining about being tired after a day's work.
You find many couples who've been sexually starved for years. God created sex for procreation and also for pleasure.
You can't marry and not have a good time in bed.
WHO SAID YOU CAN ONLY HAVE SEX AT NIGHT?
Why can't you drive home during lunch and have a
quickie with your wife?
We're all equal in sex,it's not just about a woman
satisfying a man.You have to satisfy each other.
Have you ever seen a woman who has been satisfied?
Have u noticed how she glows and becomes energetic?
May the Lord Bless you. This is the "Whole Truth,
Nothing but the Truth" so God Help Us.
September 17, 2007
MY WISH FOR YOU
I had time over the weekend to visit most of my favourite blogs(still battling with my new template on how to input my favourite blogs) and realised that lots of my blog friends are leaving the blogville and somehow i can understand with them.I started this blog with the aim of putting down my personal experiences in marriage and relate it to how culture made it possible for women to be unfairly treated in Africa but i had to change the theme as i got all kind of abusive mails from readers and especially men and even,some threating to unveil my identity and since i want to remain anonymous,i just mellow down and refocuss my energy on marriage and issues surrounding it.I would have given up-thanks to refinedone who encourage me to continue despite all that.This is to my friends leaving temporarily or permanent for some reasons:
-Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
-Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
-Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
-Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.
-Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
-Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
-Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
-Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.
September 14, 2007
Why Women disconnect from Men
"I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned."
"My husband is no longer my friend."
"The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex."
"He is never there for me when I need him the most."
"When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize."
"He lives his life as if we weren't married; he rarely considers me."
"We're like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine."
"My husband has become a stranger to me; I don't even know who he is anymore."
"He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do."
Many women today are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They express no hope that their husbands will ever understand their frustrations, let alone change enough to solve the problem but husbands too have different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They feel that the expectations of women in general have grown completely out of reach. Men feel that they've made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizeable contribution to the family, they are under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children and improve the way they treat their wives. They themselves are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism. They believe that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive and that women have come to expect so much of them that they are impossible to please, so there's no point in even trying.
But alll we ever want is a soul mate, someone we trust that is there for us when we have a problem, who takes our feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom we feel emotionally connected.
Are we really impossible to please?
"My husband is no longer my friend."
"The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex."
"He is never there for me when I need him the most."
"When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize."
"He lives his life as if we weren't married; he rarely considers me."
"We're like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine."
"My husband has become a stranger to me; I don't even know who he is anymore."
"He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do."
Many women today are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They express no hope that their husbands will ever understand their frustrations, let alone change enough to solve the problem but husbands too have different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They feel that the expectations of women in general have grown completely out of reach. Men feel that they've made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizeable contribution to the family, they are under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children and improve the way they treat their wives. They themselves are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism. They believe that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive and that women have come to expect so much of them that they are impossible to please, so there's no point in even trying.
But alll we ever want is a soul mate, someone we trust that is there for us when we have a problem, who takes our feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom we feel emotionally connected.
Are we really impossible to please?
September 11, 2007
TO THE GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, "Let's cry together,"
another, "Let's fight together,"
another, "Let's walk away together."
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
another your shoe fetish,
another your love for movies,
another will be with you in your season of confusion,
another will be your clarifier,
another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion,
on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .
those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many, it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7 th grade,
one from high school,
several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor,
on others, your sisters,
and on some days, your daughters.
So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years,those are the women that God has placed in your life to make a difference
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, "Let's cry together,"
another, "Let's fight together,"
another, "Let's walk away together."
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
another your shoe fetish,
another your love for movies,
another will be with you in your season of confusion,
another will be your clarifier,
another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion,
on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .
those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many, it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7 th grade,
one from high school,
several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor,
on others, your sisters,
and on some days, your daughters.
So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years,those are the women that God has placed in your life to make a difference
September 10, 2007
Married to a difficult man
Quite a lot of married women complained about their husband for their actions or inactions and how they make them feel miserable and deliberately set out to inflict pains on them.Yes,some men could be a Jerk but remember when you started,you fall in love and the romantic phase blinds you to your partner's imperfections.You think your mate will change and hope that in time the difficult aspects of your spouse's jerky personality will go away. But it doesn't happen.You find yourself in love with a person you can't stand and don't like.Comments from others like "You should have known better..." or "Didn't you see it while dating..." won't help when living with such person.Should you throw in the towel when the handsome prince turns into a toad?Or is there hope for such a marriage?.
There is hope for this type of situation.However,it does take honest,caring and understanding.Personality compatibility is an important characteristic of happy couples.Irritating habits and activities of a difficult man can drive you up the wall just like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet.If ignored,it only gets worse but you can cope with the following strategies:
•Recognize you can't change your spouse.You can only change your reactions and responses.
•Reinforce positive behavior. When you spouse does something right, say so!
•Maintain eye contact when stating your own opinions and feelings.Be prepared so you know what you want to say before you say it.
•Be straight forward and clear in your communications with your spouse.
•Don't place blame.It only creates defensiveness. Use "I" statements.
•Try and focus on the positive.Looking only at the negative behaviors in your spouse can be self-fulfilling.
•Be honest about yourself.If you make a mistake,admit it.
•Listen with both your heart and your mind.
•Make time to be alone together such as taking walks.
There is hope for this type of situation.However,it does take honest,caring and understanding.Personality compatibility is an important characteristic of happy couples.Irritating habits and activities of a difficult man can drive you up the wall just like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet.If ignored,it only gets worse but you can cope with the following strategies:
•Recognize you can't change your spouse.You can only change your reactions and responses.
•Reinforce positive behavior. When you spouse does something right, say so!
•Maintain eye contact when stating your own opinions and feelings.Be prepared so you know what you want to say before you say it.
•Be straight forward and clear in your communications with your spouse.
•Don't place blame.It only creates defensiveness. Use "I" statements.
•Try and focus on the positive.Looking only at the negative behaviors in your spouse can be self-fulfilling.
•Be honest about yourself.If you make a mistake,admit it.
•Listen with both your heart and your mind.
•Make time to be alone together such as taking walks.
September 6, 2007
naijablog: Kitu Kizuri
naijablog: Kitu Kizuri
Naijablog is one of my must read blog everyday and i just saw this and i was like women dey suffer for our obodo Africa because we want be Mrs somebody.Yes,its every girl dream to get married and have kids and in any case,girl-child have been programmed from youth that the greatest achievement of a woman is to be married but i will never buy the idea of do or die.Do you agree with the advice or want to add more to the list?
Naijablog is one of my must read blog everyday and i just saw this and i was like women dey suffer for our obodo Africa because we want be Mrs somebody.Yes,its every girl dream to get married and have kids and in any case,girl-child have been programmed from youth that the greatest achievement of a woman is to be married but i will never buy the idea of do or die.Do you agree with the advice or want to add more to the list?
GRANDMA IN COURT
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippigrandma a question... ifthey aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial,a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.She was a grand-motherly,elderly woman.He approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded,"Why,yes,I do know you,Mr. Williams.I've known you since you were a young boy,and frankly,you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie,you cheat on your wife,and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,Mrs. Jones,do you know the defense attorney?"Again she replied,"Why,yes I do.I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too.He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench.In a very quiet voice,he said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!Ha,ha,ha,brighten your day and ease off the stress of life
In a trial,a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.She was a grand-motherly,elderly woman.He approached her and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded,"Why,yes,I do know you,Mr. Williams.I've known you since you were a young boy,and frankly,you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie,you cheat on your wife,and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,Mrs. Jones,do you know the defense attorney?"Again she replied,"Why,yes I do.I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too.He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench.In a very quiet voice,he said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!Ha,ha,ha,brighten your day and ease off the stress of life
September 3, 2007
Life is a gift
There was a blind girl who hated herself Just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. She was then able to see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her," Now that you can see the world, Will you
marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind. She then refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears and later wrote a letter to her saying: "Just take care of my eyes dear, For I loved you so much That it was I who was the donor of your gift."
This is how the human brain changes when our status changes.
Only few remember what life was before, And who's always been there Even in the most painful situations.
Life Is A Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD For a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires child they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, And those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger Or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us are without sin.
And when depressing thoughts Seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face And thank GOD you're alive.
Life is a gift, Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, And Fulfill it.
Her boyfriend asked her," Now that you can see the world, Will you
marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind. She then refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears and later wrote a letter to her saying: "Just take care of my eyes dear, For I loved you so much That it was I who was the donor of your gift."
This is how the human brain changes when our status changes.
Only few remember what life was before, And who's always been there Even in the most painful situations.
Life Is A Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD For a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires child they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house - Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive - Think of someone who walks the same distance.
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, And those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger Or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us are without sin.
And when depressing thoughts Seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face And thank GOD you're alive.
Life is a gift, Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, And Fulfill it.
