Weekend delight

Vacancies exist in a reputable blue chip professional body/public unlimited company (not yet registered with the Nigerian Stock Exchange because of the nature of its operations) for people who have the requisite qualifications and disposition to serve in various capacities. The body is the Public Disorder Practitioners (PDP) with headquarters in Abuja and membership drawn from all over the country and abroad. To be eligible to apply for the advertised positions below, the applicants must either have lived in Nigeria all his life or he must be used to the Nigerian way of doing things. Ability to have your way is an advantage, but of greater advantage is being wealthy enough to have your way in the political scene. The following advertised positions are available.


1. MEMBER OF BOARD OF TRUSTEE

A member of the Board of Trustee should be a man who could be trusted with the body's secrets, and who can set his seat on fire in a cinema hall and rush out screaming with conviction "Fire! Fire!! Fire!!!" Ability to lie with a straight face and a straight gaze is expected of the man, and also an ability to administer oaths on people as he may wish to in order to protect the body's "investment". Oath administration does not refer to judiciary oaths exactly - if in doubt about the kind of oath please visit Okija Shrine in Anambra State and make inquiries. Successful candidates should be Fellows of the Public Disorder Practitioners (PDP). Fellows of either the Political Propaganda Alliance (PPA) or Association of Confusionists (AC) would be considered, if they provide evidence that they have an experience in public disorder initiation and mayhem-raising, and are willing to leave these other bodies and join the PDP.

Salary: This will be negotiated from the security votes of those you put in power. (Adedibu-theorem)

Qualification: The applicant must be someone who has rigged an election successfully before and installed a public officer in office. He should also have connections in Aso Rock and be able to have the president's ears on some matters of controversy. He should be powerful enough to confess to rigging an election, if the need arises, without being arrested by the police. He should know the Inspector-General of Police by name and also eat and dine with all the Deputy Inspector-Generals of Police and the Assistant Inspector-Generals of Police at will. People who have never been political godfathers before should not apply. Godfathers of not less than six years experience may apply with a detailed chronicle of their political godsons and how they got them elected. Membership of a secret cult will be an advantage. A healthy disrespect for the rule of law and justice will be considered an advantage, provided the said person has always been able to escape conviction. If you have ever hijacked the Independent National Electoral Commission's Direct Data Capture machines before and you were not taken to court, do state so in your curriculum vitae and this would give you a clear advantage. Finally, godfathers whose godsons, that they installed in political offices, are paying them less than ten million Naira from their security votes should not apply. However, those who earn more than ten million Naira from their godsons could gain automatic appointment into the Public Disorder Practitioners' Board of Trustee. Successful candidates would be given the honorary doctorate degree of Doctor of Public Disorder by the council of PDP (not Peoples Democratic Party, please).
2. GODFATHER

A godfather should be someone who has acquired enough wealth to live off the bounties of the land and use it to sponsor candidates and rig elections to favour them. He must have not less than twenty thugs at his beck-and-call and be able to summon them at zero notice. Ability to use the police to effect the arrest of anyone, including a governor, shall be considered of great advantage. The godfather should also be able to control the House of Assembly in case the need arises for him to impeach the governor. Having the president's ears and being able to avoid prosecution for whatever action you undertake, which may be considered criminal by right-thinking members of the society, is an added advantage. People who do not have a chieftaincy title should not apply. To be a godfather you should be able to know at least ten police officers of a rank not less than assistant commissioner of police and the top ten staff of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) in your state and put them on your payroll. Applicants must be those who headed secret cults in tertiary institutions and could still use cults to discourage political opponents from contesting elections. If you are not a former inspector of thugs you need not apply. Ability to change the result of a primary election will give the candidate a clear advantage, please include this information, and which primary election you changed the result in your constituency in your application.

Salary: Same as above.

3. INSPECTOR OF THUGS

An inspector of thugs is someone who oversees the activities of thugs and is more or less like an inspector of police. He should be able to ensure that thugs beat up people according to contractual specifications and do not cut off the right ear when they were supposed to cut off the left. An inspector of thugs should be able to call up at least ten thugs at short notice and assign them to vital areas to discourage people from voting in an election or to force them to vote for the right candidate. Successful candidates would be given thuggery licences by the council to enable them carry on their duties without fear or favour (of the police). People with experience in using machete and guns to cut and shoot people during elections should state their years of experience and state the names of their victims. Successful candidates would be offered admission to read a postgraduate course (Master of Arts in Shooting and Swordsmanship) in the about-to-be established Otta University of Public Disorder.

Salary: Contract payment by local chapters of the Public Disorder Practitioners.


4. THUGS

This position is open only to cultists and graduates of Nigerian universities. If you have been actively involved in cults and you can run faster than Ben Johnson (with steroids) and shoot straighter than Rambo, and can carry more ballot boxes than Arnold Schwarzenegger can carry weights do please apply in person. Applicants should be skilled in bullying and intimidation and willing and ready to meet law with force and know that from the days of the formation of the Public Disorder Practitioners the political scene suffers violence and the violent takes the election by force. He must be a morbid hater of the People of Propaganda Alliance (PPA) and the Association of Confusionists (AC).
Interested applicants should forward their applications stating their ages and pictures of their working tools like guns and machetes to the National Secretary, PDP, Abuja , Nigeria .