March 13, 2007

I just read on my post of 21 february and various remarks on it and i dropped this comment based on one of the remark:

Vicki,are you married?if not,you dont know how this thing work in naija-you pack your baggages and see that another woman pack in immediately and your husband wouldnt miss you.Until we women join forces to fight this oppression,we aint achieve nothing.Do you know some girls are so desperate that they will lure your husband with everything including paying to sleep with them-its so bad and men are taking advantage of that.

I remembered an incidence that happened in our neighbourhood some years ago,an irresponsible husband impregnanted his wife half sister and refused to allowed the lady to abort,claiming since his wife womb cant carry pregnancy and her sister was kind enough to do it for her,she must take it in good faith and look for an amicable way to resolve the issue.All the family memeber begged the man except the mother of the girl who supported the man,he insisted on having the baby and the poor woman thought if she blakmailed the man by leaving,he would come begging but alas,it was an easy escape for the man.He never bothered to looked for her and after the lady put to bad,she went back and the man refused to take her,claiming he never sent her packing in the first place and since she decided to go on her own,he has no vacancy in his life for her and the marriage ended that way.


Waffarian said...

I think the problem is the "need" for naija women to be married. I truly understand where you are coming from, but for some people, "peace of mind" far outweighs that "need" to be married. Hence, a woman that lives in Nigeria today, should please work towards financial independence from their men, so that there would be no need for "begging" and all kinds of undignified nonsense. Also, please try and do family planning so one does not get stuck with 5 or more children umder the age of ten. That is another reason why a lot of women swallow shit from their husbands everyday.Personally, I rather live in a one room flat, no extravagant clothes, cars, house maids, drivers, and all the rest "profits" one gets from being married, than to be living in perpetual fear everyday. Will he come home today? Has he met someone else? will he bring her to the house? what about my children? what will people say? my parents in the village? what will happen to me? To "tiptoe" around your husband, in your own home. I rather die a poor woman with nothing than take that shit. Everybody is different, I would do anything to have peace of mind. There are better things to do in life than "worrying" constantly about your marraige.
To all those women that their only argument is that you can not leave marraige because of the vows you took, this and that, investment, leave it in God's hands, etc, You are all hypocrites, the only reason you don't dare to leave your husbands is because YOU HAVE BECOME TOO COMFORTABLE there. How would you live without your housemaids, cars and money?

Ubong Da said...

Most naija women spend more than they earn, hence the need to stay married and have some of their bills subsidised. besides there is no alimony in the nigerian system so if she leaves she gets nothing.

Calabar Gal said...

Sounds like a scene from a niaja movie but I know it could be true.

Refinedone said...

Waffarian... Marriage is not all about financial security.

A real man should be able to provide and protect is wife and children...put first his wife!

The men that has be spoken about here are not REAL MEN! ..they are boys without self control or even self worth.

Marriage is honourable...

No one say you can not leave a bad marriage, but ppl that walk out on the first site of troble in any situation are not ppl with deep substance in my books. you work at a thing you love ...cos Marriage is spiritual too. It not just about what your getting ... but also what your giving. it about having someelse back ( even when they are totally wrong ) it is 2 becoming one!
There are married women who can afford to look after themselves if the marriage is you comment about being COMFORTABLE does not apply.

Have you asked yourself once... Maybe this women are still in LOVE!! remember that part of marriage???

Waffarian said...

refinedone, that was my point, that marraige should not be about financial security, if you read my post properly, I am sure you would have come to that conclusion as well.If you read the post that you are commenting on, then you will see that the "matter at hand" are not "signs of first trouble", if you consider these kinds of problems lightly, then it is no wonder naija men are behaving the way they do, when they know that these issues are considered "lightly" by their women. So what are serious problems? Yes, I have considered that these women might still be in LOVE, which makes the situation even more serious. My comment about being comfortable does apply, and if you are honest with yourself, as much as we all want to look for different reasons why women stay in such dire and hopeless circunstances, unfortunately, the reason is mostly economical and ofcourse, the ever pending "what will they say?"

Refinedone said...

...Point taken @ waffarian, but in matters like this one can generalise the solution....every case is different and should be advised so.... Marriage for me is not one that "walking-out" should be easyly said...but as an absolute last resort.

The attitude is not just the men to blame but the culture as well ... so where do we start? if "elders" themselves do not see a problem in all this...

Waffarian said...

I think we as women, can start changing this by giving our daughters good self esteem, to teach them to respect themselves, make sure they get good education so they in turn can teach their own daughters. A lot of Nigerian women continue to put pressure on their own daughters, nieces, neighbours, infact any woman above 25 that is not married is constantly terrorised: Ah ah? have you not seen your mates? you want to become an old maid? abeg oh, your womb will shrivel, I want a grand child, etc. Another problem in the Nigerian society which is also caused by the economical situation, is that young girls now think it is okay to sleep with men for money. Again, I think alot of parents turn a blind eye to their daughters. Young girls wearing expensive clothes, shoes, etc and their mothers "pretend" as if they do not understand. When did it become acceptable for young girls to become prostitutes? A lot of mothers even encourage their daughters to find rich men. We can not change the men, but we can change what happens in our own home. We can start with our daughters. If we succeed in raising a generation of self sufficient women, then, we have started from somewhere.

Refinedone said...

HEAR!! HEAR!! @ waffarian
...could not have said it any better.

but i'll like to add, when we are re-educating our daughters, could we to not forget to educate our sons too on how to treat a woman(starting with how they treat there sisters, mothers and any other females) and what a REAL man is, which is COMMITED,FAITHFUL,PROTECTIVE,LOVING never ABUSIVE (in anyway)and not forgetting HARD WORKING!

Waffarian said...

Thank you refinedone! Yes, we can't leave out the men! Thank you for writing that!

Naijanetprenuer said...

you talk am well and pray we move pass those culture that only surpress women

wienna said...

Na wa o. All these tales dat i've reading so far r so good to be true o. So, in dis society, naija men still do these things to our women. And i used to think those nollywood flicks r over d top. May God help us all o.

kulutempa said...

inasmuch as i agree with most of the things that waffarian has mentioned, i do think that we need to start focusing more on the kinds of men that we are raising in nigeria. this generation of men are absolute dogs, and it's terribly disheartening to see that we are all willing to shrug our shoulders and say "men will always cheat". for God's sake, there are ways of maintaining our "culture" of plural relationships without desecrating the entire institution of marriage, and it's something that our forebearers were able to achieve. women were still property then, but they were at least accorded a certain level of respect as a wife/mother in the family. that waffarian can stand proud and mention her father as one of these men shows that they do exist out there, and people need to re-learn how to raise their sons in this manner. it's the 21st century; more steps forward and fewer backwards, i think.

Kpakpando said...

kulutempa, how right you are. Its amazing how the same mothers who complain about how awful and unhelpful their husbands are, don't raise their sons to be helpful in the house either. It's a cycle that has to be broken, somewhere, somehow. That naija sef, married people need real prayers, because there is no support system for people who want to heave healthy marriages, just a society of dysfunctional relationships

chidi said...

the thing is that there is so much pressure from everbody for 9ja gals to get married that they would do anything. As for the man, he is just heartless or did the woman use jazz on him or wat???

Soul said...

So what if another woman moves in.
The man you are with does not love you
why would you waste your life with someone who does not love you?.

If your husband can replace you so easily He does not love you
What are you protecting?
What are you fighting for?

What oppression are you trying to fight?. You are not fighting for oppression Naija wife..
You are fighting for love from a man who does NOT love you.
You will never win that fight. period.

If your husband can be lured by money, then he does NOT love you. And he would prefer to be a gigolo or a prostitute.

All this one na story.
The fact is point blank..

From everything you have written so far, it leads one to believe that:

Your husband does NOT love you.
Your husband does NOT respect you.
You in turn do NOT respect or love yourself.
You value what people outside say more than you value your own helth and well being.

You fail to realise that your decision to stay with this man will have repercussions for your children.

If you have sons.. in a ll likelyhood they will grow up thinking that this is the way to act and they will do the same thing.

If you have daughters they will put up with the same thing you are putting up with because it is normal to them.. afterall that's what mummy put up with.

Not only that... It is obvious from your comments that you will even advice your daughters to put up with it..because you are advising other peoples daughters to do the same and you keep talking about 'Society'.

Don't you get it..
YOU Naijawife... you are society. each and everyone of us make up society. you are a victim because you are allowing yourself to be.

Your marriage is over, it's been dead a heck of a long time ago. Everyday that you spend that your children see you hurting is everyday that damages you and them further.

You think you are staying for the kids?. I'll guarentee you this. When your children grow up, they will go through a range of emotons and feelings towards you, and the most intense and the most lingering will be hatred.
Especially the girls. They will hate you and you will wonder why...

I'll tell you now, they will hate you because they will find themselves doing exactly what you are doing, and they hate themselves for it... they will look back and wonder why they are doing these things and they will realise it is what you taught them.

It is inevitable.
So if that's the life you want fine.. go ahead.
but realise this..
your inaction will come back to haunt you.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I am weeping for my sisters back home. how traumatic and dehumanizing this must be. im speechless!