February 7, 2007

Why is it that our men like to take control of our life in all ways,forgetting that they married us with all our pluses and minuses?I have been trying to live other people life as advised and ensure that i brush his ego all the way in order to be his darlin girl not woman because i still dey after offloading four beautiful kids.I mean despite all the panelbeating,re-ring and re-boiling,i see dey stop traffic but the funny thing is my husband hate that.He was in a good mood last sunday and probably with my new improved loving jantis,he decided to take me out to one of his dinner function but somehow i knew we will quarrrel at the end of the day as i know his rules and regulations on going out with him-he want to control me on what i wear and who i greet and dont talk to anybody as if iam a baby and ihow can i enjoy such outing if iam just going to be looking out of place,all because he just doesnt like other people noticing me.He started by saying he want to see what i will wear and no make up and i begin to wonder why a big man in all respect surrounded by all matter of women will rather prefer his wife to look like mama instead of a young lady that iam.I brought out a simple long dress,thinking since it covers me like eleha and nothing clinging,he will approve of it-he just shouted that if you are wearing that,you better forget following me as i dont want a trophy wife and will rather i look for one of my iro and buba that afterall i will see other respectable women wearing that for dinner.Sh00000000,i wanted to object but since i still want to remain a good girl-i complied and behold nobody put on wrapper at the function and on our way home,i jokingly asked him if he didnt feel somehow that his wife is the only one looking out of place,he said thats better.Men are something else,they admire ladies who dresses smartly outside and want their wife to look wifey so that nobody will commit lookery on that.Yes,you have bought us like they say in the village and deliver to you but please take it easy,we know dey run anywhere-na till death do us part

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

l just came across your blog,and l feel your pain.Nigerian men are the same everywhere regardless of where they live.Pls take it easy and claim your place.same age group as you,married with 3 kids,so l know where you are coming from.l will stay in touch.

Anonymous said...

Hi!I had to read your earlier posts so as to understand you better. I don't know what to say, your world is so far away from mine that I doubt if any advice I give will be useful. I noticed that your life is centered around your family both internal (your husband, your kids) and external(in-laws and so on), I applaud you for that, but at the same time, I truly believe that you can give your children more when you are a happy person. Before I expand further on that issue, I have a couple of questions to ask: On what condition did you marry your husband? and why? do you still love him? did you ever love him?

anijawife said...

Does anybody attached conditions before marriage?from insight now,i know there are issues which i overlooked at the onset and which is a bigger problem now but all the same-do i love him?yes but love with too much hindrance can be dead but iam trying to make do with my situation as i want stablility in my kids life and will endure anything to proctect them

Anonymous said...

but are you really protecting your kids or yourself? My dear sister, get out if not for your own sake, but for your children.

mamarukky said...

Hi, I have decided to change from anonymous to mamarukky so that there is no confusion. I was the one that asked about your husband and if you still love him, etc. Well,you mentioned you have kids, do you have girls or boys? As a mother myself, we want the best for our children, sometimes, what we think is the best for them might be for "us" and not them. Have you ever thought of what message you are sending out to your children? especially if you have a daughter? children are very perceptive, and i remember you wrote about the "isiewu" incident, I wonder what they thought about it? seeing their mother being treated this way?

Concernedmother said...

What are you protecting your children from? I can assure you that "stability" is not the main issue here. Oh girl, if you want your children to be "stable",then they deserve a "loving home" where they can grow to understand what "love" is. Right now you are just teaching them how to "mentally abuse"other people! Be careful oh! so you don't raise
bullys!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

I've stopped by your site numerous times and have always restrained myself from leaving any comment. After all, you are a grown woman and will make your decisions - good or bad. Howver, as a mother, a wife and just a human being wanting the best for my Nija sisters, I MUST second the sentiment of mamarukky and concerned mother. Children learn from what you do and say. But they especially learn from what you don't do. You have options. Might not seem like it but you do. Make yourself independent, do not allow him or anyone else to treat you in a way that 10 years from now, you will look back on your life with regret.

Best of luck, will check up on you again soon.

sherri said...

u are setting a good example for ur children.u are showing them courage,tenacity and unconditional love.
when a child sees u persevering under this condition and yet remain strong and capricious,they learn that when the going get tough, the tough gets tougher not the tough pack their bags!

a woman makes her own happiness..
Emi(life)

concernedmother said...

Sherry/Emi, how is she setting a good example in front of the children, eh? can you explain to me what it is, she is "preservering"?? It is certainly not dignity! So children should not learn what self-respect, self-esteem is? They should not be taught how to face a hard situation and conquer? No, according to you, they should watch their mother lose all sense of respect in front of her children! They should see her succumb instead of to rise. Look, oh girl, just because you have chosen to "persevere" does not mean everybody has to. Nigawife is obviously hard working and intelligent woman! Tenacity indeed!and then you say: a woman makes her own happiness! why are you contradicting youself?

Anonymous said...

Misery loves company! abeg, concernedmother, why are you disturbing yourself?let them both wallow in misery! dem go "persevere" together!

bimbylads said...

prayer is the key.. u have entered it , u have to pray your way through.. annoint his head at night before u sleep and speak positively into his life.. a broken home is not the way forward.. all the best

sherri said...

concernedmother,
a woman's life and happiness does not depend on her marriage.a woman makes her own happiness when she gives control of her life to GOD,GOD will in turn give her inner peace and joy that passes all understanding.a woman who has this kind of peace will not lose self respect or esteem over words or action from her partner, she will be frustrated, sometimes angry but never hopeless or dejected..
about the children,
u sincerely think that they don't know that their father's behavior hurt their mother?u think they don't hurt too? (if their mum pretends that all is well and daddy's behaviour is normal then they are at risk of becoming abusers.)attitudes like yours are preciselly why some men are abusive

Anonymous said...

Sherri! what are you talking about? abeg, read your previous post again, then read mine and see who is promoting men to become abusers! what exactly are you saying? you are saying too many contradicting things. What exactly is your opinion?
You said, and i quote:"when a child sees u persevering under this condition and yet remain strong and capricious,they learn that when the going get tough, the tough gets tougher not the tough pack their bags!" at the same time, you also said:"u sincerely think that they don't know that their father's behavior hurt their mother?u think they don't hurt too?
If YOU AGREE THAT THE CHILDREN ARE HURTING, THEN YOU ARE SAYING THE SAME THING THAT I AM SAYING!!!!!

Concernedmother said...

That post was from me, I clicked the wrong place!

Waffarian said...

Hehhhehehhe! Chineke! upon the way wey Sherri dey do "christian, christian", that your response to concernedmother no dey very "Christlike", abeg concernedmother, leave this debate, the thing wey Sherri dey talk no get head or tail!she say na God dey give woman happiness, ehhhhhhhhn, if na so why una dey there dey "persevere" with una man now now? una no need am(na for ya own mouth you talk am!) chei!una can talk anyhow!

t said...

I just started reading. If you don't like being treated poorly, you should train this man or leave him. The sooner women stop belittling themselves and accepting that their man is the head of the house, the sooner they will start living as adults in their families.

sherri said...

the point is....just because someone u love hurts your feelings does not mean u leave or divorce them. u do your very best to reach out to them to get them to realise the harm being done..why? because a marriage is a serious committment that should not be taken lightly.

the kids are learning that "love can hurt" love endures, love forgives etc....
by the way, what people do to u does not take away your dignity,

Emi(life)

concernedmother said...

Sherri/Emi, really? What people do to you does not take away your dignity? Rub your face in shit, oh yeah, dignity is still there, sleep with other women including ashawos, dignity still there, beats you up in front of your kids, dignity still there! Na wah! Well, as Waffarian adviced, I am leaving this debate, yeah, yeah, I know you think God has given you victory, thats okay, everybody with their own!

Anonymous said...

you don't seem like a very fulfilled and happy woman to me. u are obviously dissatisfied with the status quo in ur marriage, so why really are u there? is it for the kids? or u feel these are little issues that shouldn't break a home? is it only when a man resorts to beating his wife that she can proudly tell the world the marriage is a sham? although ur man isn't violent, but he isn't a wonderful man to live with either! any man that wants his wife looking like an old hag cannot be fit to live with. how long do u plan to continue to please him? why should marriage always be about the man and what he wants? life is too short; why live it on the terms of others? what we take as women sometimes is really appalling, all in the name of marriage. find a way to be happy madam, u obviously are living below how ability as a woman, all because of an insecure man. and just incase you think he's sooooo in love that's why he does some of the things he does, then i feel truly sorry for you.

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Anonymous said...

I would really like to better understand my Nigerian hubby. What I see as controlling he sees as loving protection. What I see as bullying the children, he sees as making sure they don't do it again because he loves them. Our cultures affect our perceptions of what is good and bad. The American culture seems to be almost the opposite of the Nigerian. May we all look to their hearts and find if they are leading the family with love or selfishness.