March 16, 2007

This rivalry between inlaws and wife is getting messier every day and only if we realised that daughter today will become a wife one day and eventually be an inlaw to some people.One of the lady working under me had an urgent call from home yesterday from a neighbour that her house was burning and she quickly left the office to see what she can do.She called me one hour later to say everything in her room was burnt and to crown it all,her inlaws were beating her and she was really crying.I had to leave office for her place with another colleague to sympathise with her and calm her down but the situation i met there was bad.The inlaw had beaten her to the extent that her face was swollen and some part of her hair were pulled off and God,i was mad that some people could come into her house and do that to her.She later explained that the elder sister of her husband(divorcee)and his mother stays with them and that they were even in the house and did not do anything to put off the fire since it only affected her room and her last baby was downstair with the maid and when she got home,she was just asking her maid what happened and why she did not know that fire was burning until neighbour called her,when they just bounce on her and started beating her for damaging their brother/son property and that they ve always know that she is good for nothing and these are people from same Benin o!We did not even know what to say again and asked about her husband,she said the man just left the house and i asked her what he said and she said though he was upstairs when they were beating her but he later came downstairs and asked her to go upstairs and see how she can tidy the whole place and left with the sister and mother.I just advised her to take it easy as its one of those things women take to survive in a man's house and she should just go to hospital and move on as if nothing happened-wetin i for say before,make she fight people wey her hand no fit reach,Can you please explain the logic behind all that nonsense,in her house for that matter and this is a lady that has a good job,what if she is an housewife-what will they do to her?Our people with this my son and brother mentality,forgetting the lady left her own family to marry their brother/son and for christ sake,these people are already joined together as one and whatever they have belong to two of them and they should be left alone to make decisions on their own.

34 comments:

Refinedone said...

No way!! Nijawife this cannot be for real!! Aba! in this day and age? does she not have family.. they where beating just like that? and the the husband said nothing to his family? No oo!! I can not believe this...I am against break-ups of marriages, but this one get as e bi!

something is amiss here...that man can not be her Husband.

sorry .. can't write any more still in shock!... will be back

Refinedone said...

...If this is true, I blame the husband... he should not be called a MAN! talkless her HUSBAND.

A man is the head/protector of his home/family... not his mother or sister.

Refinedone said...

...If this is true, I blame the husband... he should not be called a MAN! talkless her HUSBAND.

A man is the head/protector of his home/family... not his mother or sister.

Nijawife said...

He is definately her darlin husband but i guess was in a difficult situation and he just did know what to do as at that time-the guy love his wife though i was shocked too but these things happens

Refinedone said...

"was a difficult situation"...Nijawife are you hearing yourself too...

what was so difficult you standing aside letting your wife and mother beat up your wife IN HER HOME!

sherri said...

i cannot believe this!!

sherri said...

did thet tie her hands?

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Man, I do not understand why women are allowed to suffer like this? And to think that her in-laws, 2 women, would do such to her? No real man will allow his mother or anyone else to insult and assault his wife. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES!

We have to find a way to protect women. It is desperately annoying everytime I hear things like this especially because women in Naija and other parts of the world have no recourse.

Please express my condolences to your co-worker. I will pray for her and her family. I hope that God will provide a solution for her.

Anonymous said...

this is a recurrent theme i keep hearing about benin men: giving their family precedence over their wives. it's very bizarre and highly unacceptable. i can't believe you, nijawife, would actually advise her to act like nothing happened. how exactly do you expect that to help her grow in life, in her marriage? personally, i think you need to stay away from advising your married friends, seeing as your marriage is nothing to write home about either. clearly, you don't know the first thing about how to salvage someone's dignity, not to talk of someone's marriage!

Waffarian said...

Is there any rule that says "wives" should not fight back when attacked by their inlaws? What do you mean "beat" her? Did she just curl herself up in a corner and allow them to rain blows on her? She could not fight back or at the very least, run away? Or is that against thr rule? one just has to "wait" till they are done?

Waffarian said...

@anonymous, that is the big problem, the men get away with anything because the women "act like nothing happened", if the woman is found dead one day, everybody will be "shocked", cos everybody is "pretending" and "acting" play!

anijawife said...

my fellow women,i do not say its right but with the situation then-there was nothing to say than that.The lady is just 28 yrs old and husband is my age mate and to be fair,he is good to her but the problem he has like she later told me is he can not control his family.They talk to her anyhow,abuse her and they even make her feel like a guest in her house and she always try to satisfy them but they are just not satisfy and her husbad is always telling her to ignore them but her husband love is constant and she thought with time i.e after two kids,they will mellow but no and because he is the only boy and has money,everybody think she just want to enjoy and to worsen the matter,the magret thatcher sister introduced her to the brother and the mother and her mother were classmate in school in benin.she is just seen like their enemy that must be sent away.

Anonymous said...

Nijawife now tell us what you are going to do about it because right now I'm really angry.This situation has gotten out of hand.How can an educated woman be beaten and her hair torn off in her own home???Where are her parents/people?This is certainly unfair and unjust and it does not make sense that she just keeps quiet and allow them to continue to treat her like this.Even if she is an orphan or a beggar she's still a human being and I could go on and on but I want you to do something about it.

Anonymous said...

and yet, you still think the best course of action is for her to do nothing - becuase of the so-called love of a husband who cannot defend her honor. this is why nigerian women will continue to be doormats. wtf!

Refinedone said...

...I agree, his love should be shown with action too...do you think..his wife is being beaten up by his sister and mother..what rubbish!!!! Does she not have a family...I am not one that would normally say this... but in this case ... she should get her husband t choose.... if he trully loves her as you say, he will have to choose between her and his family...to but the "his" love to action...

I would advice her to call her family and report the matter ...

She should find out what her dh has said to his family about her... cos he must have shown a lack of respect for her... that is why they can do this rubbish.

I am all for peace, but there comes a time...for WAR!! to brith true Peace!

Refinedone said...

Nijawife I am not happy about your respons to this matter...You say the husband loves her... yet his mother and siiter will be getting away with all the crap!

I blame the wife too... what rubbish .... how weak is she.... there is a thing called self defence you know, has she not heard of it before...

Anonymous said...

I was so sad reading your blog. What these women have is not a marriage, it is a travesty. I wonder how the love turned to hate. Nigerian women are NOT victims. I believe the men are confused!! In some homes today, it is the wives that are providing for the family. The woman still looks good after 3 children & the man feels insecure. Their role as provider of food, shelter & clothing is no longer needed. If your husband commits adultery you can divorce him if you can't forgive him & you are financially independednt. My advice to all these women is: stop complaining. Put up or shut up. If he beats you & you stay & put up with it, be quiet. If you can't take it, tackle the things that hold you bound be they finances etc. You can start a new business. Fate Foundation do courses to help you make your business ideas a reality. See www.fatefoundation.org. Open a joint bank account with a friend. Statements will go to that friend's address so no one in your immediate environment need know what you are up to. Above all, know that you are precious. You only have one life to live. You will not pass this way again, so MAKE IT COUNT!!!

Anonymous said...

I believe that man just showed his wife that she is not his family. The Bible tells us 'the man shall leave his family & cleave to his wife.' He obviously hasn't left his family behind physically or emotionally. They are living with him in his house. The man does not regard his wife & his children as his family. That is where the problem lies.

anijawife said...

Refinedone,i understand what you are saying but i cannot advise her to fight her inlaws and any case she cant choose another family for her kids,so she need to handle it with wisdom and maturity.I will write the update when iam less busy,to see that all this civilisation we are taking about is yet to get to Africa,our peopl are still primitive at heart

Refinedone said...

...I hear you Nijawife, I dont believe one life is better than another... so if the inlaws dont have respect for themselves and start beaten on another person child...they deserve what ever they get from the wife.
I am sorry but this one I dont agree with you o!...

Anonymous said...

to be honest i'm not surprised at naijawife's advice as you can see she has taken this 'till death us do part' and 'for better for worse' marriage oath literally. Well i think you and your friends would rather put up with an unhealthy relationship till you die. You forget that your kids welfare are paramount and you have to be strong for them. Do you think bringing up your kids in such an unhealty and abusive marriage is a good thing? Is your quest to remain a 'wife' till you die worth the damage to your kids and also the damage to your health both physically and emotionally even psycologically? I think you all need to seek help and address the issues upfront, and also take charge of your lives. It's necessary for your well being and that of your kids. Sweeping things under the carpet does not serve any purpose.

RJ said...

See this is one of the reasons why marriage is not the next best thing on my calendar. There is and never will there be a reason where you should lay your hand on someone because you think my marrying (them) you own the person.
She had better make it clear to the man that if he can't control his damn family, she (wife) would. If she keeps waiting on spineless no back bone useless husband to do something about it, u are going to find her in the trunk of his car one day.

I would advise u on what to advise to do, but my opinions on such matter are always radical – as they should be.

chioma said...

What kind of nonsense is that! I eman how can pewople be so wicked..and its always the female in laws that are bad.
There are some men that don't know how to stand up to their family. My friend told me how for years her dad let his family harass their mum, unitl she decided to relocate to the UK.His kids all hated him and it took a while for the man to realise that he had left his famil and was now one with his wife. The man needs talking to.
A lady i know was being ahrassed by his sister in law.The husband took sides with his wife and his sister was angry and said "dont u know blood is thicker than water? " he replied her saying "my wife is not water she and I are one" now his sister hardly talks to him. i wish all Nigerian men would learn this

Kpakpando said...

The husband refuses to protect the one he chose to marry, she needs to burn down the rest of the house so they can all be there and sort themselves out, Nonsense!

Next time if they attack her, she needs to fight back, instead of crying. If she's goign to remain crying she then needs to pack up her load and go home

chidi said...

my gawd! i hate in-laws! can u imagine. I used to pray when i was younger that my mother in-law would be dead by the time i married my husband. I dnt do that anymore now but i pray for good in-laws

Anonymous said...

the man DOES NOT love her. A good man would defend his wife!
those asking why she didnt defend herself... seriously... this was one woman caught unaware by 2 women.
i dont know why some women stay... i understand there is a fear of being alone... but seriously.. is any man it worth dying over (inside and out)?
im still in shock sha

Anonymous said...

I am currently going through this problem myself and just like the lady in question, my husband did not stand up to his horrible sisters who were out to destroy our marriage. If you ask me, I believe it's petty jealousy because through the grace of God, my husband and I have done quite well within 3+ years of marriage.

Within this same period, I have faced so much humiliation from my husband's family..mainly from his sisters, despite the fact that I embraced them all with a lot of love and full naijawife respect. I think they took me for a fool and thought they could ill treat me forgetting we are in America and nobody is feeding anyone. I don't know if they themselves are a victim of bad inlaws that they felt the need to pass on the ill treatment. The most unfortunate thing is my husband joined his family in humiliating me. I guess that was his own way of showing his family he is the head of his immediate family and not a WEAKLING. A few cases of domestic violence even arose because of his family related issues.

Unlike most women who feel they have to take such horrible treatment, I screamed divorce/separation so quickly because I know for sure that I am not one of those women with low self esteem that feel they have to be a "Mrs" at all cost. I began to prepare my mind to be a single mother...that is how badly I was convinced I wasn't going to endure a horrible situation for life. I got a lawyer to draw up a separation agreement, I stopped cooking and cleaning for him, stopped doing his laundry, cleared out the bank account and stopped paying half of the bills. I left him in such a horrible state and ignored him and paid attention to just our child. I went in and out like he did not exist and I even made sure I looked happier. I made sure I looked extremely good when going to work, church or anywhere else so that he may even think I was seeing someone (of course I did not keep late nights or act irresponsibly in anyway).

The way I looked at it...if he really loved me he will do all it takes to get us back together and get our marriage to where it should be...in ONE accord. I needed him to get his priorities right...which is that his wife and child should always come first before any other family member and I needed him to choose who was more important to him. If he chose his extended family, I had prepared my mind to walk.

Of course he had enough time to think and he went around looking for people who would talk me out of the separation and who would fix our marriage, his sisters did not even lend a helping hand. I believe he realized that his sisters were living their lives comfortably in their own husband's house and he was actively and stupidly destroying his own life to please them.

There was and has been a transformation since then and I thank God that my husband is a better person and I believe God is going to complete the work that he has started.

Well, that was my own way of dealing with my problem, it may not work for everyone but like everyone says it's either you as a wife take a stand or you put up with the crap and live with it. I know it's easier said than done.

Anonymous said...

anon above: very well said.. but again you can do that in America... for naija it is not easy ooooo

Anonymous said...

Its true. Its not easy in naija. But at the same time, I dont appreciate all these people coming down on nijawife. You dont know the full story in these situations and it wouldnt justify the treatment, however many so called naija wives have what is coming to them in marriage for their past deeds.
Some have chased their husband for wealth, some marry irresponsibly or out of forced arrangement, so many factors. I know of one or two personally, treated like rags but they brought their own misery on their head.

Women think marriage is the end all be all of womanhood and do anything to get hitched.
MARRY WISELY. The signs are always there, you have to decide if you are ready to live with whatever 'signs' appear.

I know I am being snickered at in some circles because of my beauty and not having settled down inspite of having been in several relationships. I could EASILY 'settle' today by merely making a phone call, or packing up to shack myself into a marriage as there are options, but will my children be proud of me? When its ME that ends up the breadwinner of the house inspite of my partners wealth? will they be proud if their father is mean/abusive, out in the streets not thinking of their welfare? Not saying my options have all these traits, but you can look at their own families and see whats up, you can see if they are changing their destiny.

Let me not preach. My point is there are two sides, there are ALWAYS two sides. And how you sow, so shall you reap.

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