March 28, 2007

I have been feeling so low for about a week now and the zeal to write anything was not there.I got a good offer from one of this foreign affiliated bank,to manage their Apapa branch but just not getting the right support from my hussy.I have been with my present bank for fourteen years and not getting much challenges again and the promotion is very slow which i discussed with him but he will always say if you leave the place,just know you will come and sit at home and make do with whatever i can provide but i know where the shoes pitches and that option does not go down well with me for many reasons.Iam the first born of my parent and have siblings who are still in higher institution which one way or the other i have to assist though not mandatory and dont forget we women bankers spoil our husband,we do too many things which they are suppose to be responsible for,with the mind that we are one and they have taken it for granted and you can imagine what will happen if you suddenly leave your job without a plan for something else,na stress and shouting.My major problem has to do with kids and how he can make it easier for me to cope with the Apapa traffic and still be at peace with myself that the kids are okay.I currently run a very tight schedule which look cracy to even my family and friends at my own expense but can not just cope with it again if iam to work in Apapa though the man is use to me doing them but iam saying it in a subtle way that i need help and he is just adarmant.I live somewhere in Ikeja and my kids schools are within that vicinity so i dropped the older ones in school and the younger ones in my parent place for them to assist with their movement and drive myself to V/i and picked them from their place in the evening no matter how late as oga does not want his kids sleeping outside his house and he does not want maid around him and i can not get a driver and the stress is so much but bcos i want to keep working,i go through this routine every working day and iam getting older,my body is complaining of the abuse and now that iam begging for his suport,he says its my business how i run the home as he marry for two reasons-for the wife to take care of his kids and run his home-imagine my life,i feel so empty and worthless.My parent send me to school to be able to be somebody of my own and be useful to the society but bcos iam a woman who have to marry and be somebody property,i do not have a say and always put in a situation where i have to make a choice and the choice of which can either make me or mar me.Iam really at crossroad and helpless,should i forgo my career like that or what do i do?

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

your husband needs a stern talking to!

ExcitedJade said...

i feel u my sister, what excatly does ur hubby want again... ko easy at all now, especeilly in naija, my dear, ur husband has to help u out, if he dosnt want u to age quickly, abeg, na prayers u need for God to minister to him cos he's got a wonderful wife and he should be appreciative.

Omodudu said...

Interesting! Abeg listen to your husband o. do not let any of this nay sayers pour sand for your garri. Talk to him, and Iron thing out, there has to be a reason for his position. Sometimes we as human do not even know whats best for us, people around us are more practical than we are.

Anonymous said...

omodudu... obviously you have NOT read the rest of her blog?

Sherri said...

i wish u peace my sister.
u need to weigh ur options-
will the move ultimately be beneficial to ur career?(look b4 u leap)can u juggle it? can ur parents help? will u be able to deal with the consequences?
my perspective is that any change(careerwise) for the better is good for a woman's esteem as long as ur family/kids won't suffer.
if u decide to go for it get ur parents and if poss his parents on ur side and then tell him u are making the move for the benefit of the family and if he can state 2 VALID reasons against the move u would rethink ur position.

notice i said 2 reasons, i can bet,the #1 reason will be "i don't like it ori don't want u to"

u should know that us women are constantly forced into making sacrifices not because we are women but because we are more conscientious.

nb:a beg stop calling him hussy, e be a derogatory name for a female (look am up for dicko)
stay blessed and keep in touch.

Emi(Life)

Vera Ezimora said...

Oh, sorry babe. LOL @ Omodudu's comment.

Look @ it this way: what are you more willing to lose?

Waffarian said...

As usual, I will be stating my opinions.Try and get some help, you have four kids,you are working, cooking, cleaning, driving. You are obviously overwhelmed. As you said, your husband married a wife, not a SLAVE. Considering all the problems you've been having recently, please do not give up your job. I would say, go for the new job but after reading so many of your posts, the best you might be able to do is to convince your husband that you need help.

refinedone said...

Hmm.. Naija wife, doh o! as my ppl say...
You have been at this marriage thing for while now( so you say ) you have teenaga children so you have been married to this man for a while.
... as time goes in marriage, things and ppl change...we desire different things as we grow...There is something my husband use to do, he compere our marriage relationship with others( or should I say me with other wife, in a very acardemic way )..I had to expaline to him That I was married to him and he me....where am I going with all this story.
In marriage you make a decision .. for get or worse...if you have decided to stay married no matter what... then it is time you change your approach with your husband..every couple are different and the dinmic of the relationships too..
Not all man like to do house work or even know how to do the job propalt...so if Mr x id helping his wife... you are not married to Mr x..
If you want to futher your carrer, and you know what the challenges it will cause in your marriage ... you will jau have to walk and talk with the only person it matters .. your husband. you have been married for a long time now... there should be a groove to the relationship ... no one here could advice you, cos we have not been in relationship as a wife with your husband.

At this stage in your marriage I think you should know how to talk to your husband to get what you want ....all the best.

www.refinedone.wordpress.com

refinedone said...

Excuse my typos!!! ppl.( NOT VERY REFINED NOW)

Hmm... Naija wife, Ndo o! As my ppl say...
You have been at this marriage thing for while now (so you say) you have teenage children so you have been married to this man for a while.
... as time goes in marriage, things and ppl change...we desire different things as we grow...There is something my husband use to do, he compared our marriage relationship with others( or should I say me with other wife, in a very academic way )..I had to explain to him that I was married to him, and he to me.... where am I going with this entire story?
In marriage you make a decision... for better or worse...if you have decided to stay married no matter what...then you accept the man you are married to with all his flaws and then you change your approach with your husband. Every couple are different and the dynamic of the relationships too...
Not all man likes to do house work or even know how to do the job properly...so if Mr X is helping his wife... you are not married to Mr x...
If you want to further your career, and you know what the challenges it will cause in your marriage ... you will just have to talk with the only person it matters... your husband. You have been married for a long time now... there should be a groove to the relationship ... no one here could advice you, cos we have not been in relationship as a wife with your husband.

At this stage in your marriage I think you should know how to talk to your husband to get what benefits your children, your husband and yourself

All the best.

www.refinedone.wordpress.com

lolita said...

na waha ooh! its not easy with this thing called marriage, like refinedone says u need to talk with ur husband. u've been married sometime now, am certain u know how to get him to favour your decision. i pray u find favour with God and your oga. take it easy babe.

anijawife said...

E se po,iam just using the platform to ease of my frustrations and talk to friends who are there with one advice or the other and it somehow makes things look easier and not so bad afterall.I have been married now for almost 15yrs and its been rough all the way and the lord has been my strength and i know he will not forsake me now but i just got to a point where i say to hell with all these nonsense in the name of being married and you begin to wonder when things will be better but my liver always failed me and i have too many things at stake-my kids,my parents and even my siblings and how do i be an example to them if i can not make things work in my relationship and i come from a happy family where everybody feel love and expect same in my life but i guess we all can have it same way.

ababoypart2 said...

Work something out with Oga. We always come around at the ned of the road...Once you guys are on the same side of the road, the business about the other worries will be sorted in no time. But get Oga on your side first..

Remain blessed

Anonymous said...

@ Naijawife, i thought i read one of ur posts that ur Kongo still does wonders and still make Oga screams! Iyawo, you should be able to manipulate him during ur lovemaking sessions.i.e table ur request during/after sex NOT b4 sex pls.For 15 yrs now, i undstand how you feel, but you should know how to catch/tame him after all dis yrs,i presume!.Nywayz, nothing wey u fit do apart 4rm negotiations/pleading and satisfying him sexually like u have neva been.As a wife, do you seduce him?Start now!. Gosh, as a woman,u know all dis things better than me.Having read some of ur posts, you make ur husband sound like one Sango who spits thunder.I tell u what, even Oya(his wife) sef dey cool sango temper,he knows his weak spot,Its time for you too to find Oga's weakspot and manipulate, otherwise U might grow grey pubic air b4 u get anything/favor from him. Olu

refinedone said...

@ Nijawife... I have only one thing to say to you ... be patient, and continue in the Lord, do not faint, these are not just words or soundbites.... but one that knows and has learnt that what the Lord says ... He is able to deliver, cos if you give up and say "to hell with it".. trust me "hell" will pay attention.
I say this as one that grew faint and nearly birth her Ishmael...God is always on time!

stay blessed!

www.refinedone.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

Naija wife, STOP PLAYING VICTIM!

You teach people how to treat you. Harsh I know, but I have a sister whose story is just like yours, except...She does not work.

I am tried of worrying about her, everytime I talk to her, I become sad and upset because as much as I tell her to be strong and leave him, i know it is not easy in naija.

Your salary is what some men are using for their family and their wives do not work.You can go it alone financially if you choose. Emotionally is another matter.

Are you REALLY in love with your husband or you are in love with THE MAN YOU HOPE HE CAN BE?

Maybe you should let him read your blog. If the marriage falls apart , so be it. Or, he can be man enough to put pride aside and see that this is a cry for help.
Ultimately I think you really want to tell your husband what you blog about, or you have told him about it , but he chooses not to hear you.

I'm not sure if you have a daughter, but take it from me, you damage her more by staying. She will either turn out more submissive than you and a walkover or the extreme, soldier without a cause,and hate men. She will be miserable both ways.

The things you let him get away with, i'm sure sometimes , he might even be disgusted with you that, "this woman sef, does she not have respect for herself" people are repulsed by people with low self worth.

If you do decide to stay with your husband, you have to define boundaries, you work hard and I know you are a good person, but do not let him take you for granted one day more.That does not mean you have to be antagonistic about it. You can be gentle and still make your point. See Martin Luther King Jnr. and Ghandi for reference.

I think you have let this man be what defines you as a woman, and that is why you define yourself and measue yourself by what he does and says to you.

Maijawife, WHO ARE YOU?. If you do not have this man in your life and no kids, who will you be?

Girl, you need to look inwards and find out THE BEST YOU.

Is a wife and mother ALL YOU ARE?

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, no one else can give THAT much love. When you love yourself first, the kids see that and you are a better mother and hopefully wife.

I love men but sometimes I do not blame some of them, they do not know better.

In conclusion, become number one again, think back to when you were 18 - 21 and thought you were the best thing that had happened since sliced bread,selfish yes,but believe you are the best you and take steps to achieve that.

P.S. Make the best career choices for you and no one else. I wonder if Oga consults you when it comes to his career? You do not want to regret when you are 55 and you career is gone.

Take care of yourself.

Peace and love, Reader in Toronto.

Anonymous said...

dont even try it o? my mum worked for over 20 years and was doing the long milage all thru as well as trying to raise us.. we had maids and all.. but at the end ur kids are growing up and with time they will understand.. my mum built a solid career and has something to show for herself and never needed support from my Dad... When the chips are down who will need to support .. (You) and from experience Men get mental when chips are down.. pray to God for guidiance and i am sure it will all be well.. u have been doing it 15 years and still running .. so my dear your kids are your joy and the "ur kids should be ur pride and joy and also the reason for making ur marriage work"

Anonymous said...

this talk of you being a woman and therefore have limits etc is really trite and annoying! you are an adult just in case you have forgotten. you have choices in life. if u feel so worthless in your marriage, for heaven's sake why are you in it? you have become a door mat, an unhappy person etc because of marriage. are u hoping, may be, out of the blues your hubby will change? he is who he is, and i think if you want change u have to make some things clear to him! do not think, for a second, every woman is going through ur kind of marriage in Nigeria. as much as i acknowledge ur type exist, other happy types exist too. and guess what, the women had to stand for something before they could achieve what they wanted in their marriage. gosh, you make singlehood quite tempting, if all one would get in marriage is what u are living with. pity!

Tun Tun said...

As a new naija wife myself, I can really identify with what you are going through. Even though my husband is what I like to call a modern man, sometimes we slip into old fashion roles within our relationship.

I too have quite a busy life i.e working full time and compleating a degree at the same time whilst trying our best to run our home. As young newly weds (I am 22yrs old), I constantly battle with the notion of who i am 'out there' with who i am in my home.

As women we constantly battle with the notions of what it is to be a success at home, work etc which at times leaves us exhausted as we try to juggle everything whilst keeping a smile on our faces!

As I am not from Nigeria myself (though my husband is),I always find it strange that people respond to such a post as yours by either blamming the women for the marital problems or telling them to leave it in God's hands when the man in the relationship should be equally heald accountable for how both parties within the marriage are feeling. Marriage is a partnership and not all about either person, real love is not selfish but seeks to bring joy.

I am awear that i sound 'airy fairy' or like i am not living in the real world, yet I still stand by my belief that a husband should not take his spouse for granted. I always wonder how marital relationships can deteriorate so badly,how dose a man go from pursueing this lady so earnestly in the dating days to treating her with less respect and love than is shown to strangers/ co workers.

Honey, your marriage and children are so important, and form so much a part of your identity and personal happiness yet they are not the only things in your life. Where possible seek to promote peace in your home but remember to keep a little something that is just for you!!!

Wives run themselves ragged taking care of everyone else that they forget about themselves. when the man starts to cheat people will say it is her fault becuase she no longer looks after herself etc. Men can also be fickle prefering to leave a women that has stood by them through thick and thin to go for one useless young brat to make themselves feel younger.

To end my loooong post I will just say that if you maintain some things that are just for yourself i.e. work,pampering days etc not only will you remain intersting to your man (he will boast of how well kept/ intelligent etc you are), but if things do not work out as is sometimes life you will be an example to your children of how important self pride is to a person and may enable you to move on with your life more quickly. I just hope that I have in some way been helpful to you. Remember no matter what anyone else says; you are the only one that knows what occurs in your marriage and only you know what makes you truely happy.