May 7, 2007

Dont say i have started with men bashing again-NO but i must share the pains of being a wife in Africa setting and what havoc our men are doing in our life.I went to a function with my hussy(sorry,someone once corrected me-husband)yesterday,his friend's wife gave birth some months ago and the wife and baby just got back from the state and they just moved to their personal house so the husband decided to do a welcome/house warming party for them.I got the hint of what the gathering was going to look like on our way to the venue,my husband was just in a funny lively mood-he kept on calling their friends to meet up there at the same time and after gisting with them,he will just say its a tripple.I didnt take all that as anything funny until we got to the venue and come and hear what guys were discussing-meen women dey see wee.I later got to know that the guy's mistress gave birth to twins a week ago and infact yesterday was the naming ceremony-imagine that and the guy and his friends were joking about it and the poor wife was smiling and dancing as if she just won a lottery and this heartless man too was dancing and gallivating about saying its a tripple.Infact,i was so disgusted with the whole set up and the other wives too pretended as if nothing amiss.These are guys that people look up to in the society as responsible and leaders in their various field but worse in their private life.Imagine the pain the woman will feel when she get to know and this is a lady that stood by her husband in thick and thin,just see the reward she is getting and when i tried to say my mind to my husband on our way home,he said what will be her problem-that is the man not taking care of her or is it a crime to have babies? afterall,he did not marry the lady and she is not going to disturb her in anyway.Education and exposure have no effect on our men,they still think like their forefather who derive joy in spreading their seed,how can a man claim he loves you and still do all that in secrecy,praying you dont get to know till jesus come.Why do men like treating us like that and i wouldnt take your usual excuse that it takes two to tango and the other woman too should have said no bcos we are married to you and you should proctect us.


Sherri said...

my sis,
it's not the men's fault!
the day us women realise we are the root of these kata kata the world will be a better place for us's not about it's take 2 to tango, it's about dignity and self love. the mistress with the twins is the the one who needs her ass kicked!
got to run, i have plenty to say but no time.


Ubong Da said...

As we entered my friend's compound the kids came running calling Daddy... Daddy. I look closely at them and I can't see any resemblance to the man and I wonder hmmm are they really his kids?

ExcitedJade said...

oga oh, my dear.. some women sef, se the mistress go talk say she no know say the man get wife for house? really, i blame both parties sha... na only god go just dey guide us.

Kpakpando said...

sorry but it see you wives being complicit in this wahala too. What are you people there shining teeth for? You have done nothing but condone that man's behavior and encouraged your own husbands to do the same. If you were all truly disgusted perhaps you shouldn't have been there celebrating?

Is a miserable life with a husband who doesn't respect you or give a damn about your health and well being so much better than being a single divorcee? What's the point of playing the victim when in some way you facilitate the womanizing and infidelity? Why point fingers at all parties but yourself?

The mistresses have nothing to lose in this situation, what's their own? They enjoy the same empty bed you do, get to enjoy some of his money and get no responsibility.
The husbands too equally have nothing to lose since they know you wives will never leave them because of the material comforts they can provide for you.

BabaAlaye said...

(Education and exposure have no effect on our men,they still think like their forefather who derive joy in spreading their seed)
...Men are wired that way.Education/Exposure isn't gonna change anything.Exposure to what now? Please answer the question.We're just wired differently. Guys know this intrinsically that's why we cover up for each other. The concept of Monogamy is a very recent phenomenon < 10,000 years old.
There's quite a lot to say about this whole thing. I won't take up all your space and time with me ramblings. Maybe i'll blog about it someday.

sherri said...

when women wake up and refuse to be used as the seed spreader, a change is gonna come

Anonymous said...

Is it men's world? As much as I don't want to think so, the world around is affirming the notion that the world belongs to men!

The world is in deep shit! Some shameless and lowly esteemed women throw themselves at men, thus making it easy for men to cheat on them.

I'm having a hard time accepting that women don't mind playing a second fiddle - maybe they're so wired from the world go!


I don't know about you all but when I started looking for a husband I looked for one who knew the Lord Jesus christ as his Saviour. One who lives by the Bible because he believes in its author, who is God and in what it teaches. My husband and I have been married for 45 years, we have 5 children, 20 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. We try to live the way God wants a husband and his wife to live. He is the very center of our home. When you start out with this in common most of the time you do not have such problems. I don't know what you all believe about God or even Jesus Christ but I know that I love Him with my whole heart and I owe everything to Him. I pray your lives will be happier. connie from Texas

anijawife said...

-Sherri,well said but in naija bcos of pressure on single girls when they are of marriageable age,they just accept whatever arrangement to be mrs somebody.Its high time we start telling young ladies that they are still somebody with or without being mrs somebody.

-Ubong,i get where your dirty mind is going but i hope they dont look like you

-Excitedjade,you are right

-Kpakpando,i accept we are cowards for not facing the men but i refuse to accept that its bcos of yeye comfort,women are doing beautifully well these days and finance is the least of their problem but to conform to societal norms

-My babaalaye,you don too polish for that argument,which one-who tell you say we too no dey get tempted but we control ourselves,so how will you feel if i get husband for house and still get 2nd husband in one corner and dey born pikin for both of them-i beg no tell me men are wire to a condition,which condition? common be faithful to your babe

-Grandma connie,i know where you are coming from and i love that spirit in you and your husband but here in Africa,its a different ball game-even christians do these things secretly and says nobody is above temptation,the way we practice our xtianity here is different and we can always get a quotation in the bible to justify anything with our selfish interpretation.May the peace of lord continue to be in your family.

chidi said...

that is just sad. and to think that the guy was making jokes about the situation with his friend's shows us the sort of person he is. I think the blame should go to both the men & women. The women ignore as their husbands cheat, and the other women do not mind sleeping with someone else's husband. As for the men, no comment. Shows you what the world has come to

Ifie said...

I have read recently that Lagos is the headquaters of marital cheating!!
The reason most Nigerian women put up with it is financial, 80% of wives depend on the husbands for their upkeep and of course that of their kids.
Again,family background matters a lot- like some one said polygamy is a part and parcel of our culture so people tend to put up with such rubbish.Even when you come from a monogamous background, friend often advise you to overlook infidelity based on their own experiences.
And where people have too much money,no tax to pay, etc they look for people to spend it on and of course women hang on to them.
I am happily married and have been for almost 9 years and we haven't had to deal with infidelity and i believe this is becos we live in England and my hubby (has a good job)does not have excess cash(what with all the bills, tax and holidays to be funded).I 've got a good job my self so i can say iam independent and we bothknow our incomes and allocate money for different projects and both contribute towards these projects.
A lot Nigerian wives even those that earn well do not like to contribute towards housekeeping and when let the man bear 80% of the financial load ,he feels justified to do as he wishes as per 'head of the house'.AND YOU DARE NOT QUESTION HIM!!

Pink-satin said...

Men,they have shown women pepper o!hmmmmmmm!but about the 'other woman' wey dey spoil person marriage!plus the friends we dey laugh!God help us

Sherri said...

na wa o,the problem of infidelity is not unique to Nija,the only difference is, it is widely accepted and tolerated. if women in nija would just realise that, contrary to the crap they have been made to believe, they are not powerless!! it is not a man's world... who born man? if and when women start to affirm their power a lot of the woes of this world will be completely eradicated.
before anyone starts to jump up and down screaming militant feminist movement,not even close!that's not what i'm talking about.
more if time permits.

just thank God for ur husband, living in the uk and limited finances does not deter the infidels. aka fidelis (smile)
Emi (life)

Ubong Da said...

@anaijawife na u didn't really understand me, a lot of naija women are playing away matches as well and bringing back kids who are not their husband's for him to raise. For instance when MKO died part of the condition for his many children (from the other wives other than the first) to inherit his wealth was to take a paternity test. Most of the wives did not agree for their kids to do so. Ask yourself why?

If you want naija men to stick to one woman change the divorce laws and make it similar to what obtains in europe/america in which the woman inherits 50%or more of his asset and is also entitled to alimony until she dies or remarries and I bet you two things would happen. 1. The divorce rate would go up and 2. Infedelity would reduce and the few that happen would be very discreet.

Sherri said...

u are right, but can u blame the women?
how can one man satisfy a battalion of women?
when a man become a fidelis the spreader,(of diseases and much more)he won't be able to satisfy his wife sexually and emotionally thereby creating a vaccum for his wife. need i say more?
and regarding divorce laws, Nija is def not ready for that one o
women are already being beaten and killed for flimsy reasons now u want to give the bastards real reason? more especially Nija where money is above the law?
even in the uk and the us the news are rife with cases where women are killed and maimed over alimony and child support payments. remember the oj simpson case? just recently in nyc one bastard blew up the house and himself rather than give his wife of 25yrs who was battling cancer half of it.

Ubong Da said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ubong Da said...

@Sherri now I know you are a very objective woman. Most of our naija women living in europe/america think men there are more sincere and faithful but that is a big lie. I work in a big multinational company in the turbulent Niger Delta. We have a large population of expatriate staff who because of the bad image CNN and BBC has been projecting to the world have convinced their wives that its unsafe for them to accompany them to naija. You should see the atrocities these men commit on a daily basis you would never believe they are the same quiet and docile husbands.

I have collegues who organise campus babes for their oyibo HOD just to be on his good book and get favourable rating at the end of the year. Make una leave matter o!, before I yarn too much. At least naija men don't pretend they do theirs in the open. So tell me which one is better eh?

Sherri said...

none of the above

Anonymous said...

@ BABAALAYE...said like a true son of your father. Please stop projecting your weaknesses on all men.What a LAME excuse!!!!!Men are wired that way.What RUBBISH filth. Is that what your father taught you?There are men who do not behave like that. Are they not men again. Say you have a weakness for women and have no self control. That is a more sincere thing to say than the rubbish you are sayin. It is men like you that are the problem....and the desperate women who settle for men like you. Who told you women don't also have the same temptations?Some cave in to these temptations and some resist. Same as men. Rubbish. Sorry for your wife because from your statement you have already shown the kind of husband you will be.

The bottom line is Nigerian women should stop settling for LOUSY men like this who disrespect them all in the name of being calle Mrs.

C'est Moi said...

Kpakpando, I couldn't have said it better myself, women always compound the problem when they look to the other women for accountability. How is it her problem, was she the one who promised till death do us part and FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.

Baba Alaye, are you serious. I am sorry but your argument is not only ridiculous, it is weak.

"we are just wired differently" and "monogamy is a very recent phenomenom"
Then you go on to say that it is less that 10,000 years old. Please tell me: How many years do men need to realise that their brain is in their head and not other parts of their anatomy.

Self control and discipline are things that have been taught since the beginning of time.

Its time you guys learnt some.

LittleGirlLost said...

The truth will out eventually and this lady, your friends wife, will come to the realisation that she made an unfortunate choice. She will have one of 2 options either a)laying in the bed she made and finding some way of making it more comfortable despite the springs constantly poking her in the back or
b) picking up the last shreds of her dignity and starting anew.

Unfortunately the type of man she is 'married' (and I use the term loosely because ther is no marriage when the other is not there) to will never change.

Women need to choose more wisely.
Unfortunately desperation bourne of societal pressure to marry ASAP creates a vulnerability to which sane and rational thought is lost.

also to adress another thing, It is lies to say or imply that ALL Men are wired to cheat. This is the lie that feckless men use to snag a girl with low self esteem and keep her in his service.

There are good men out there. Good men of all nationalities. Fidelity is not the sole preserve of one nation or type of man in the same way that infidelity is not the preserve of Nigerian Men. I have met a few good men in my time. Men of integrity, honour and love some of these men are my freinds and from them I have learnt that it is possible for some man to reign themselves in and honour theirs commitments.
Unfortunately its the men with the opposite qualities that make the loudest noise...what is that they say about empty vessels?

I have seen couples that have been married for a long time without this type of Drama. There is nothing peculiar about these people. Not their nationality, not where they sleep at night or what they eat.

Realise the same is also true of women. There are plenty good women out there and there are just as many that will make a man grow grey hairs in a 24hours when their secrets are unveiled.

Its just up to everyone to choose wisely and pour scorn on this unacceptable behaviour. Its not alright for men to condone this in their friends, or wives to condone this behaviour in their husbands. There is another way and it will be learned.

Anonymous said...

all you need is a feminism. feminism feminism.

Writefreak said...

A Nijawife, i'm sorry to gatecrash but somehow, i think you are generalising too much. Yes some naija or african men cheat on their wives and even have a second family which is a sad story but some men are God fearing and will not do such a thing to their wives. I can confidently say my husband is one of such men.
What happened at your friends' party is really sad and it's what a lot of women go through but please what is the foundation of those relationships? I seem to disagree with you that "the way we practise our christianity here is different". If you're a christian you're one, if you're not one you're not one. You can only say someone is a christian when they live by the bible. I think i'll rest it there, i might have gotten an idea for a post...never can tell. Your blog is cool

catwalq said...

As a woman u have to decide if you wish to conform to societal standards and accept whatever is presented to you, irrespective of whether it is in line with your principles.

I have decided to make my own destiny. If you cannot commit to me, I will find someone who can. If u go outside, stay there. if my biological clock stops ticking, I will adopt. I am not afraid to be by myself until I get what i want. If anyone is uncomfortable with my single status, they can kiss my arse.
most of the people who rag on single women are just anxious that they not be the only one wallowing in the miseries they have plunged themselves in by getting married.

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I think the term husband refers to the institutionalized role of the married male, while the term father refers to the male in context of his offspring, a state which may or may not indicate that a marriage ceremony has taken place.