W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ ..'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
THIS FOR SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU CAN CAN HANDLE IT !
April 29, 2009
April 28, 2009
SMART KIDS
NEVER FLOG YOUR KIDS.......IMAGINE HOW SMART THEY ARE.
Kids Are Quick
_________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
JOY: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLORY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie,do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________
JUNIOR : SIR, WILL YOU PUNISH ME FOR WHAT I DID NOT DO?
TEACHER : NO! WHY WOULD I?
JUNIOR : THANK YOU SIR, I DID NOT DO MY ASSIGNMENT
Kids Are Quick
_________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
JOY: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLORY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie,do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
_________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
________________________________
JUNIOR : SIR, WILL YOU PUNISH ME FOR WHAT I DID NOT DO?
TEACHER : NO! WHY WOULD I?
JUNIOR : THANK YOU SIR, I DID NOT DO MY ASSIGNMENT
April 27, 2009
April 24, 2009
MAGIC KITCHEN
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).
Bakari as usual, drank from the wine and topped it up with water (to replace what he drank).
But unfortunately for him, immediately he added water the pastis became milky. And when the Boss came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home.
The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.
"Bakari!", he called from the sitting room.
Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss".
"Who drank my pastis?".
No answer.
The Boss asked again: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name"
"Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside Madam, while I’ll go in the kitchen, and you will ask me a question ".
Bakari accepted.
The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted: "Boss".
He answered: "Yes, Bakari".
"Who goes into the maid's bedroom when the Madam is not there? "
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
No answer.
Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders will never cease! Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one's name ".
Enjoy ur Weekend!
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss was suspicious and decided to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).
Bakari as usual, drank from the wine and topped it up with water (to replace what he drank).
But unfortunately for him, immediately he added water the pastis became milky. And when the Boss came back and noticed it, he knew he had nailed Bakari. Bakari also knew that he was in trouble and decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home.
The Boss told his wife and said he would call Bakari to come and acknowledge his evil ways.
"Bakari!", he called from the sitting room.
Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss".
"Who drank my pastis?".
No answer.
The Boss asked again: still no answer.
Then the Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "
Bakari retorted that "when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name"
"Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay, you stay beside Madam, while I’ll go in the kitchen, and you will ask me a question ".
Bakari accepted.
The Boss went in the kitchen and Bakari shouted: "Boss".
He answered: "Yes, Bakari".
"Who goes into the maid's bedroom when the Madam is not there? "
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
No answer.
Third time; "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders will never cease! Bakari, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one's name ".
Enjoy ur Weekend!
My rich friend
Wahala when you visit rich friends….
Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....
Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea please
Question: how would you like it, black or white?
Answer: white
Question: milk or fresh cream?
Answer: with milk
Question: goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer; with cow's milk please
Question: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm, think I'll just take it black
Question: would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: with sugar
Question: beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: cane sugar
Question: white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead
Question: mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer: mineral water
Question: flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: Abeg, I think I'll just die of thirst.
Which kind wahala be dis ?
Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....
Question: what would you like to have, fruit juice, soda, tea, chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee?
Answer: Tea please.
Question: Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea please
Question: how would you like it, black or white?
Answer: white
Question: milk or fresh cream?
Answer: with milk
Question: goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer; with cow's milk please
Question: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm, think I'll just take it black
Question: would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: with sugar
Question: beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: cane sugar
Question: white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oya, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead
Question: mineral water, tap water or distilled water?
Answer: mineral water
Question: flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: Abeg, I think I'll just die of thirst.
Which kind wahala be dis ?
April 23, 2009
MEN ARE BETTER FRIENDS
IS THIS TRUE????
NICKNAMES
* If Lola,Hauwa and Nkechi go out for lunch,they will call each other Lola,Hauwa and Nkechi.
* If Ade,Uzor and Gomina go out,they will affectionately refer to each other as Oldboy,Itu,and Fineboy.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in N200,even though it's only for N500. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
* When the girls get their bill,out comes their pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay N2OO for a N100 item he needs.
* A woman will pay N100 for a N200 item that she doesn't need as long as it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she tells her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knows anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirms that he had slept over, and two say he is still there.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES
* If Lola,Hauwa and Nkechi go out for lunch,they will call each other Lola,Hauwa and Nkechi.
* If Ade,Uzor and Gomina go out,they will affectionately refer to each other as Oldboy,Itu,and Fineboy.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in N200,even though it's only for N500. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
* When the girls get their bill,out comes their pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay N2OO for a N100 item he needs.
* A woman will pay N100 for a N200 item that she doesn't need as long as it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house..
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she tells her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knows anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirms that he had slept over, and two say he is still there.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
April 3, 2009
FOR ALL THE MUMS OUT THERE
JUST A MOM?
A woman,renewing her driver's license at the FRSC's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean is, 'explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a Mom.'
'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers it,'
Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'
The clerk paused, ball -point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out.)
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom.'
Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
And great grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
Associate Research Assistants.'
A woman,renewing her driver's license at the FRSC's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean is, 'explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a Mom.'
'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers it,'
Said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'
The clerk paused, ball -point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out.)
I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom.'
Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
And great grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
Associate Research Assistants.'
