March 26, 2009

The Alphabet

THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL USES OF THE ALPHABET THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Although things are not perfect
Because of trials or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes,there'll be good times & yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where no one is ever sad!

March 23, 2009

And the fight started!!!!!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

----- --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night,my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive... so,I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring through redundancy, I went to the Pension office to apply for my benefit. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry,but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said,'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my application.

When I got home,I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
pension office.She said,
'You should have dropped your pants.You might have got
disability benefit, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- --------- ------------ --------- ---

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah", I said, "she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

A woman is standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -- --------- ---------


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3
o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman,
bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That
must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through
a thorn bush and to his car
as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- - --------- ---------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on

the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now
with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years
replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- ------------ -------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How
about the
kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -- ---------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she
answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me
this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a
friend."

And that's when the fight started....

March 18, 2009

Lets do adult talk

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

March 13, 2009

30 RULES ON HOW TO BE A PERFECT WIFE FOR A NAIJA MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Thou shall NOT be a NO LONG TINS BABE (you know what I mean?)

2. Thou shall not lack in boobs, nyansh and hips. If you must, please lack only one and find a way to make up for it.

3. Thou shall NOT be a down to earth, real or ride or die chick. I.e all those ruff, rugged and raw "tell it as it is" girls, NOT WERKING.

4. Thou shall not have FAKE hair (All those afro/afro-kinky "soul" sisters… FORGET IT).

5. Thou shall not be a non-church goer. Ladies, for extra credit, be an usher, Sunday school aunty or PRAYER WARRIOR (This applies to other religious sects)

6. Thou shall not go to club to find husband... YOU GO JONZ!!

7. Thou shall not drink hard liquor or beers. Stick to 2 glasses of wine, IF YOU MUST DRINK ALCHOHOL

8. Thou shall not have un-manicured nails (It has to be French manicure acrylic nails).

9. Thou shall not have daddy issues (victims of divorced parents and dysfunctional families … keep it to yourselves).

10. Thou shall not go without makeup (i.e. caked foundation, studio fix but ensure that the make up has a natural look which is purple lip liner, pink lip gloss and chocolate/natural eye shadows)

11. Thou shall not lack culinary skills. Perfect the art of egusi, ogbono and all variations of rice. Home Economics is in order

12. Thou shall not be a "posh sturvs". Sushi or lasagne…uh ..Really?

13. Thou shall not knack ya head when you have a weave. Futhermore, on no account should you be caught scratching and flicking the condiments into thin air. That is simply DISGUSTING.

14. Thou shall not do any strange degrees, such as development, journalism or medical genetics. Ladies, stick to law, engineering, accounting, business or pharmacy.

15. Thou shall not have a sense of humour or try to even be funny (note: SARCASM IS A NO NO)

16. Ultimately, thou shall not go past a first degree, maybe masters (PHD IS AN ABORMINATION)

17. If thou must study a masters, please please, remember to dumb down when hanging with his friends.

18. Thou shall not disclose too much of yourself. You will seem needy

19. Thou SHALL NOT have a sex life or sexual imagination prior to meeting him. Let him "teach" you.

20. Thou shall not listen to anything other than r'n'b or hip hop (common is pushing it). All you World music and rock chicks, NOT HAPPENING MATE).

21. Thou shall NOT be an independent woman.(all those "I can pay my own bills" bullshit… Basically ,LONG TINS).Refer to commandment one!

22. Thou shall not be opinionated or well informed (WARNING: This might come off as intimidating.Besides,no one likes a miss know it all).

23. Thou shall not go to any obscure University.Please stick to Unilag,UI,Ife and ABU (WARNING- YOU WILL END UP ALONE).

24. Thou shall not be overly friendly.All those social butterflies and jovial. Personalities…BEWARE.

25. Thou shall not be anti-social when it comes to his family.You have to GET IN THERE FULLY.

26. Thou shall not explore any originality when it comes to fashion.Stick to T.M Lewin,Hawes&Curtis,pointies or kitten heels,and jeans – Abortion belt always puts the icing on the cake.To complete the look,don't be seen without your thick framed rectangular glasses (YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS).

27. Thou shall not hunt in packs (warning to girls with bossom bodies that cant be separated

28. Thou shall NOT be loud.Keep your voice to a minimum always

29. Thou shall not appear to be having too much fun on the dance floor.When it comes to dancing, keep it simple (Dutty winders and grinders,ITS NOT HAPPENING).

30. Thou shall not think about breaking this next commandment.The ULTIMATE,IF NOT YOU ARE FINISHED....It Will be an OYO STATE (on you own) FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.....

LADIES PLEASE PLEASE AND PLEASE DO NOT GO TO THE BEDROOM WITH ANY WRAPPER,NIGHT SHIRT,WHITE TOP GEL OR SHELLY ON YOUR FACE.If you must Do all the above,LADIES, BURN THOSE GOLD AND BLACK HAIR NETS.

Girls,we are all guilty of owning a hair net or 2.And we now know that all the commandments above suggests that you must be a babe on POINT constantly.

GOODLUCK!!!!!

March 12, 2009

The Seed

A successful business man was growing old and

Knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children,

He decided to do something different. He called all the young

Executives in his company together.


He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I

have decided to choose one of you.


"The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued.” I am

Going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED.


I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year

From today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you.


I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will

be the next CEO."


One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others,

Received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story.

She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed.


Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had

Grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to

Talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.


Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a

plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had

killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had

nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however... He just

kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to

grow.


A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company

brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot.

But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to

his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his

life, but he knew his wife was right.


He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was

amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They

were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes.


Jim put his empty pot on the floor and

many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!


When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.


Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees, and

flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be

appointed the next CEO!"


All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his

empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the

front.


Jim was terrified. He thought, "The CEO knows I'm a

failure! Maybe he will have me fired!"


When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his

seed - Jim told him the story.


The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and

then announced to the young executives, "Behold your next Chief

Executive Officer! His name is Jim!"


Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.


"How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.


Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a

seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it

back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it

was not possible for them to grow.


All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers.

When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another

seed for the one I gave you.


Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot

with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief

Executive Officer!"


* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in God , you will reap a harvest

So, be careful what you plant now;

it will determine what you will reap later..

March 10, 2009

Memo From God

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

-If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

-Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

-Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

-Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

-Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

-Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

-Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

-Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!