There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Iam sending this to every clever female i know,and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!!
April 22, 2008
April 15, 2008
Marriage Software
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child
Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer
run,and crashes the system whenever selected.Attempting to operate
selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping
7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding
of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program.Many customers upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY
AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its
Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0,as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall,delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems.(See manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed,I recommend you keep it Installed and deal
with the difficulties as best as you can.When any faults or problems
occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of
times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to
normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme,can be very
rewarding.To get the most out of it,consider buying additional Software such
as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0"
or "TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if
Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt
Version)or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost
certainly CRASH.
BEST WISHES!
Yours, Systems Analyst.
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child
Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer
run,and crashes the system whenever selected.Attempting to operate
selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping
7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall
doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding
of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program.Many customers upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY
AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its
Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0,as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall,delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems.(See manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed,I recommend you keep it Installed and deal
with the difficulties as best as you can.When any faults or problems
occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of
times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to
normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme,can be very
rewarding.To get the most out of it,consider buying additional Software such
as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0"
or "TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if
Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt
Version)or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost
certainly CRASH.
BEST WISHES!
Yours, Systems Analyst.
April 8, 2008
Life, Love & Marriages - Enjoy It
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage in my country.
I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, talking about love and marriages... I'll tell you my interesting story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my step-daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More
problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he
is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my
father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately,I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems? The Indian man fainted... .
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage in my country.
I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, talking about love and marriages... I'll tell you my interesting story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my step-daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More
problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he
is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my
father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately,I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems? The Indian man fainted... .
April 6, 2008
The New & Improved Good Wife's Guide
1.Plan dinner for yourself and family.Even if the food has a "Mc" in front or a "King" behind,it still counts as a dinner you planned.Making reservations is also considered planning as is asking your husband to pick something up on the way home from work.
2.Take a nap if possible,after all,you deserve it.Feeding,cleaning,dressing and running after children all day is hard work.Plus,if you are rested,you are less stress.Also to make yourself "fresh-looking",have the hubby watch the kids for you so you can take a nice relaxing bath and maybe have time to shave.He'll love that.
3.Do whatever makes you happy.If you enjoy dancing around the house in your underwear then do it.And do it for yourself not for your spouse because being "gay" for his benefit is just plain gay.
4.If you're lucky enough to have a "play room" then you can only hope that the majority of the toys will remain in there.If not,have the kids clean them up at the end of the day before bedtime.There's no point in putting them away while they are still playing.Randomly throwing toys into said playroom counts as cleaning up,as does piling laundry in the corner of a room.If you don't get the opportunity to clean up clutter,it's a sure fire sign that you had something better to do.
5.As long as there is nothing living or breathing in the inch high dust that covers the TV,cabinets or shelves,it can wait.And if your washer,dryer or dishwasher are running when your husband comes home,well it's a sign that you've obviously been busy that day.
6.Building a fire is fun if you have a fireplace.And if you do,try not to "accidentally" knock your husband into it when he picks a fight even though that might bring you "immense personal satisfaction."
7.Children get dirty.If there is even a spec of mud in the backyard,they will find it.As long as their hands are clean before they eat and as long as they aren't smearing dirt on your new carpet or couch then they're clean enough for the time being.If their loud voices drive you crazy,send them outside where they can drive the neighbors crazy.And to fix any hair issues,make them wear a hat.Also,if they want to jump all over their father the minute he walks in the door,let them. After all,they've most likely been jumping all over you all day.
8.Be happy to see your husband,even if not on time and in a bad mood.
9.Give him a hug when he walks in the door,if he doesn't smell of another woman's perfume,give him a kiss too.If you missed him,tell him.If you actually want to know how his day went,ask him.And if you love him,remind him.
10.Make a list of all of the things you need or want to tell your husband when he comes home.In the midst of waching football or reading dailies,you'll most likely forget and this way you can hit every topic over dinner.Giving pop quizzes afterwards always helps to drive your points across,although it might make him mad.
11.If you had a stressful day,you have the right to complain about it and as your husband he has the obligation to listen and vice versa.If he goes out after work and stays out late,you also have the right to be upset.And you retain the right to turn off your cell phone the next time you're out with the girls.
12.If you can make one room tranquil and peaceful then do it.You need somewhere to escape and find yourself.
13.If he wants to go out for a few drinks after work then compromise.You should be able to go out one night also,it's only fair.
14.If you've both had a rough day then having drinks prepared is not a bad idea, especially if there is no alcohol included.
15.Arranging your husband's pillow is a nice gesture,just try not to "arrange" it over his face.Of course if you're speaking in low,pleasant tones while you're doing it,it could still be considered a nice gesture.
16.If something doesn't seem right to you,ask questions.Just because your husband is a man doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants.Remember,where there is a King of the castle, there is also a Queen......
17.A good wife always knows her place, on top of her throne where she shall be worshipped by all.
2.Take a nap if possible,after all,you deserve it.Feeding,cleaning,dressing and running after children all day is hard work.Plus,if you are rested,you are less stress.Also to make yourself "fresh-looking",have the hubby watch the kids for you so you can take a nice relaxing bath and maybe have time to shave.He'll love that.
3.Do whatever makes you happy.If you enjoy dancing around the house in your underwear then do it.And do it for yourself not for your spouse because being "gay" for his benefit is just plain gay.
4.If you're lucky enough to have a "play room" then you can only hope that the majority of the toys will remain in there.If not,have the kids clean them up at the end of the day before bedtime.There's no point in putting them away while they are still playing.Randomly throwing toys into said playroom counts as cleaning up,as does piling laundry in the corner of a room.If you don't get the opportunity to clean up clutter,it's a sure fire sign that you had something better to do.
5.As long as there is nothing living or breathing in the inch high dust that covers the TV,cabinets or shelves,it can wait.And if your washer,dryer or dishwasher are running when your husband comes home,well it's a sign that you've obviously been busy that day.
6.Building a fire is fun if you have a fireplace.And if you do,try not to "accidentally" knock your husband into it when he picks a fight even though that might bring you "immense personal satisfaction."
7.Children get dirty.If there is even a spec of mud in the backyard,they will find it.As long as their hands are clean before they eat and as long as they aren't smearing dirt on your new carpet or couch then they're clean enough for the time being.If their loud voices drive you crazy,send them outside where they can drive the neighbors crazy.And to fix any hair issues,make them wear a hat.Also,if they want to jump all over their father the minute he walks in the door,let them. After all,they've most likely been jumping all over you all day.
8.Be happy to see your husband,even if not on time and in a bad mood.
9.Give him a hug when he walks in the door,if he doesn't smell of another woman's perfume,give him a kiss too.If you missed him,tell him.If you actually want to know how his day went,ask him.And if you love him,remind him.
10.Make a list of all of the things you need or want to tell your husband when he comes home.In the midst of waching football or reading dailies,you'll most likely forget and this way you can hit every topic over dinner.Giving pop quizzes afterwards always helps to drive your points across,although it might make him mad.
11.If you had a stressful day,you have the right to complain about it and as your husband he has the obligation to listen and vice versa.If he goes out after work and stays out late,you also have the right to be upset.And you retain the right to turn off your cell phone the next time you're out with the girls.
12.If you can make one room tranquil and peaceful then do it.You need somewhere to escape and find yourself.
13.If he wants to go out for a few drinks after work then compromise.You should be able to go out one night also,it's only fair.
14.If you've both had a rough day then having drinks prepared is not a bad idea, especially if there is no alcohol included.
15.Arranging your husband's pillow is a nice gesture,just try not to "arrange" it over his face.Of course if you're speaking in low,pleasant tones while you're doing it,it could still be considered a nice gesture.
16.If something doesn't seem right to you,ask questions.Just because your husband is a man doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants.Remember,where there is a King of the castle, there is also a Queen......
17.A good wife always knows her place, on top of her throne where she shall be worshipped by all.
April 4, 2008
"1950's Housewife
1.Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
2.Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
3.a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
4.Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
5.Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
6.Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will give you immense personal satisfaction.
7.Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if neccesary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise.
8.At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
9.Be happy to see him.
10.Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
11.Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
12.Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other place of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
13.Your goal: try to make your home a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
14.Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
15.Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.Consider this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
16.Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
17.Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
18.Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always excerise his will with fairness and truthfulness. you have no right to question him.
19.A good wife always knows her place.
